The following were shared by Gwynne Oates!!
Ten Best Caddy Responses...
Number 10:
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number 9:
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number 8:
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes. . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number 7:
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number 6:
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. . . That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number 5:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number 4:
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number 3:
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number 2:
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number 1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus. . .
An old favorite. . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy…
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face…
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"
Ten Best Caddy Responses...
Number 10:
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number 9:
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number 8:
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes. . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number 7:
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number 6:
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. . . That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number 5:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number 4:
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number 3:
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number 2:
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number 1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus. . .
An old favorite. . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy…
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face…
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"
The Rugged Outdoor Woman
(From Gwynne Oates!) During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really crappy golfer".
(From Gwynne Oates!) During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really crappy golfer".
For a great laugh: http://clipnation.com/ultimate-golf-fail-compilation
"Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole." "That's terrible!" she says. "You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees
another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.
With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland." After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world." The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!" To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer
to shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A married couple played golf together everyday. One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee. He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly. She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her. The inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head. The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball" The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this? The huband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered
where it went."
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?" The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today." The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five." The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time." The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually
get in the golf cart and ride to it."
A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!" So God says, "Watch this." The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a
double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?" God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees
another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.
With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland." After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world." The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!" To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer
to shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A married couple played golf together everyday. One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee. He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly. She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her. The inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head. The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball" The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this? The huband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered
where it went."
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?" The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today." The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five." The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time." The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually
get in the golf cart and ride to it."
A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!" So God says, "Watch this." The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a
double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?" God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"
NEW GOLF BOOK
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.
Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.
Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post .... Undetected.
Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.
Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.
Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
Chapter 17 - When to regrip your ball betriever.
Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the hand wedge and weak slip on the foot wedge.
Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart girl and give her a $3 tip, but balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff
the Bartender.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.
Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.
Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post .... Undetected.
Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.
Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.
Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
Chapter 17 - When to regrip your ball betriever.
Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the hand wedge and weak slip on the foot wedge.
Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart girl and give her a $3 tip, but balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff
the Bartender.